How To Get Your Ex Back Permanently – 5 Step Plan
Winning your ex back isn’t really the hard part. The hard part is keeping them.
After all, they left you once, what is to stop them from leaving you again?
What is the point of getting your ex back if you can’t keep them PERMANENTLY?
When you get your ex back, you want them committed to making it work this time. This article will teach you how.
My name is Kevin Thompson, and I am here to help you through this painful breakup and hopefully get your ex back. I say hopefully because I can’t guarantee you that you will get your ex back. No one can guarantee that. If they say they can, they are lying.
I can, however, guarantee that if you follow this plan, your chances of getting your ex back will increase significantly. (Why should you trust me or the advice on this page? Because we have over 11 years of experience and we strive to keep all the information accurate and helpful. Read more about me, this website and our editorial policy over here.)
Who this article is for?
This article is for anyone looking to get an ex back. May it be your ex girlfriend, ex boyfriend, ex wife, ex husband or an ex fiancé. May it be a straight relationship or a gay relationship. If you have been through a breakup and are thinking about winning your ex back, you will find this article helpful and enlightening.
Note: If you are looking to get your ex girlfriend back or your ex wife back, I recommend you check out this article with a game plan more focused on winning a girl back.
What This Article Is About?
This article is divided into 5 Steps. I have done so because this way you have a step by step plan that you can follow to get your ex back.
It’s important to have a plan to follow, because after a breakup you are hurt, emotionally drained and most of all, confused. And during this state of confusion, you are bound to make a lot of mistakes that will actually hurt your chances of getting back together and make you feel miserable.
I have seen people make these mistakes over and over again (in my eleven years of experience helping people with breakups).
Having a plan gives you a sense of direction and removes all the confusion. A plan will give you something to look forward to when you are feeling down and unsure about yourself. A plan will give you hope. This article is that plan.
This article is quite long. It also includes case studies that you can read by clicking on them. I highly recommend you read the entire article because it will not only help you understand what you should do but also why you should do it.
But what are these mistakes you keep talking about?
I am glad you asked because the first part of this guide is precisely about these mistakes.
Let’s begin. Here’s how a lot of my clients got their ex back and you can too.
STEP 1 – Stop Screwing Up Your Chances with Neediness, Insecurity and Desperation by Avoiding These Deadly Mistakes (aka The Instincts)
I call this part “The Instincts” because all these mistakes are a direct result of people following their instincts.
Most of the advice in this article is counter-intuitive, but it works.
When you read it, you will understand why and it will all start to make sense.
So let’s start by going over the deadly mistakes that you should avoid at any cost.
DEADLY MISTAKE #1: CALLING AND TEXTING THEM ALL THE TIME
Kevin, we broke up 8 days ago. Since then, I have messaged him everyday constantly and he barely replies. I have to text him a hundred times before he replies just once. I really love him and want to be with him, but I don’t understand why he is acting like this. He said he loved me and then he suddenly acting this way.
That’s the story of majority of the people who are desperate to get their ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back. It’s a huge mistake to text and call your ex all the time. In fact, it’s a huge mistake to call them even once. Your instincts tell you that if you stay in contact with your ex, they will not forget about you and hopefully come back.
But it doesn’t really work that way. In fact, every time you call or text your ex, you are showing them you are a needy person and you are miserable without them. This neediness is unattractive and pushes your ex further away.
Your instinct fool you into thinking that your interaction with your ex will go something like this.
But in reality, it goes something like this.
You should be extremely careful whenever you go out drinking. You might end up calling your ex and making a fool of yourself. So whenever you go out drinking, have a friend with you who can stop you from making this mistake.
But if I don’t call or text my ex, how can I get them back?
You should contact them in a certain way that will make them feel attracted to you again. I explain exactly how to do this below in a later step.
DEADLY MISTAKE #2: BEGGING AND TRYING TO USE PITY
If begging worked after a breakup, no one will ever break up with anybody. They decided to leave you and they are prepared to go through your begging and pleading.
Whatever the reason for breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person.
Unfortunately, humans don’t look as cute as cats while begging.
Similarly, your instincts will also make you believe that if you just show your ex that you can’t live without them (or how miserable you are without them), they will take you back.
Your thought pattern becomes something like
If he knows how miserable I am without him, he will come back.
If only he knows that I can’t continue my life without him, I can get him back.
Again, your instincts are screwing with you.
Trust me, no one takes their ex back out of pity. No one is attracted to someone who is miserable.
And even if your ex came back because of this, do you really want your ex to be with you out of pity?
Or do you want them to respect and love you?
A study done by Dr Katherine Carnelle, MS, PhD and Paula Pietromonaco PhD, clearly suggests that most people will choose a secure partner for a relationship over someone who is insecure.
If you take a deep breath and think about it, you will realize that anything that makes you look insecure is only going to push you away. Begging, texting them constantly and overall being desperate are signs of insecurity and it’s not going to make your ex feel attracted to you or think about getting back together.
DEADLY MISTAKE #3: LET THEM WALK ALL OVER YOU
Your instincts will tell you that if you just agree to everything your ex wants, they will come back. Your instincts will tell you that your needs, your values, your desires, your goals don’t matter.
Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is getting your ex back. And for that, you can sacrifice everything.
You let your ex walk all over you. You become a doormat. You agree to the most ridiculous demands your ex has. But your instincts tell you, it’s OK. Because having your ex in your life is the only thing that matters.
Well, guess what?
Agreeing to everything your ex says is not going to bring them back. In fact, it’s only going to make your ex respect you less.
How can they respect you if you don’t respect yourself?
Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back, they will leave shortly realizing they have no respect for you as a person.
According to Ryan Howes, PhD, and PsychCentral, every healthy relationship has boundaries. And if you don’t have boundaries or self-respect in your relationship, you are most likely going to end up in an unhealthy relationship.
Even if you manage to get your ex back by being a doormat, it’s only going to be an unhealthy relationship and it will eventually end again.
DEADLY MISTAKE #4: SHOWERING THEM WITH AFFECTION
Your instincts tell you that if your ex just realizes how much you love them and how much you care about them, they will come back. You just need to make them believe that no one in the world will ever love them the way you do.
How can they reject you once they realize how much you love them, Right?
The truth is, they already know that you love them, how much you adore them and how much you care about them. But they still decided to breakup. Whatever reasons they have for breaking up with you will not just magically disappear because you love them. Showering them with affection is not going to change their mind.
In fact, the more you smother them, the more trapped they’ll feel. And that will just make them want to get away from you as soon as possible.
DEADLY MISTAKE #5: FREAKING OUT WHEN YOUR EX STARTS DATING
The thought of your ex being with someone else is a gut wrenching one. But in reality, it’s not as bad as we make it out to be. We will get into that later, but first, let’s take a look at how your instincts react when you find out your ex is dating someone else.
If I don’t do anything right now, they’ll fall in love with this new person and forget about me forever. I better go over there and do everything that this article has told me not to do. I will try everything, including begging, using pity, telling them how much I love them, agreeing to all their conditions (be a doormat). And if they don’t open the door, I’ll just stand outside and call and text them all day. I need to tell my ex how this new person is totally wrong for them and what a big mistake they are making by being in a relationship with this _______(INSERT DEROGATORY REMARK).
If you didn’t realize it by now, your instincts and your mind go into panic mode when you find out your ex is dating someone new. In most cases, you freak out and make all the mistakes mentioned above.
The truth is, your ex is most probably in a rebound relationship (Read: Everything You Need To Know About Rebound Relationships).
And almost all of the rebound relationships end sooner rather than later. It sucks, but rebound relationships are a way for many people to deal with breakups. Fortunately for you, it’s one of the most ineffective way to move on. So, just because they are in a rebound relationship doesn’t mean they will forget about you and move on.
In fact, it just means the opposite. It means that they are having a hard time moving on and as long as they are in this rebound relationship, they are avoiding the grief. And that means it will take them longer to get over you.
A rebound relationship is like a cigarette. It’s unhealthy. It provides a false sense of calmness. And it ends when the flame is over. (the faster you smoke the faster it ends)
The most important thing for you to do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is be cool about it.
Whatever happens, do not tell your ex to break up with their rebound partners. Let it be their idea.
They have a huge hole in their life after breaking up with you which they are trying to fill with someone new.
In most cases, they will soon realize that a rebound relationship can not fill the emptiness and they will end the relationship. (Do you think his relationship is not just a rebound? Read Common Patterns of a Rebound Relationship. or Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back When She Has Moved On To a New Boyfriend)
DEADLY MISTAKE #6: NAME CALLING AND ANGER
Name-calling your ex out of anger or frustration is a common reaction for people who were used to name-calling their ex while fighting. It’s also common if you both threatened each other to breakup constantly.
It’s pretty obvious that doing this will only make your ex feel less attracted to you. But it’s not very obvious if you are still panicking and your instincts are in fight or flight mode.
If you used to verbally abuse each other or get very angry while fighting or arguing, there’s a good chance your instinct will want you to do that again when you are broken up.
Your instincts want to believe that this is just another fight or argument. And if you just show your ex that you are angry, they will calm down and tell you they want to get back together.
The same way it happened when you both fought.
This rarely ever works. If your ex is serious about the breakup, then getting angry will only make them think that breaking up with you was the right decision.
Getting angry will remind them of all the bad fights and arguments that slowly and surely ate away the foundation of your relationship.
It will remind them that you both don’t understand each other and make them feel that you are not the right person for them.
Case Study: A Toxic Relationship Ended, A Healthy Relationship was Reborn
DEADLY MISTAKE #7: THE OBSESSION AND MISINTERPRETATION.
The obsession that comes after a bad breakup is probably the worst part of it.
Your mind keeps racing trying to figure out the best way to get your ex back as soon as possible.
Your mind wants a fool proof plan. It wants a guarantee that things will work out with your ex in the future.
It will ask questions like,
“Will my ex come back?”
“Is my ex missing me?”
“Does he still love me?”
“What can I do to get him back instantly?”
“Will she start dating someone already?”
“She went on a date, does this mean it’s over?”
“He looked happy in a picture he posted on Instagram, does this mean he is over me?”
“My ex added me on snapchat. Does this mean he wants to get back? Does he want me to reach out?”
If you write down all these questions that keep popping up in your mind, you will realize that these questions are pretty much useless.
I say this because it’s impossible to know the correct answers to these questions. You or anyone else can only guess the answers to these questions.
They are all about what’s going on in your ex’s head. There is no way for anyone to know exactly what’s going on in your ex’s head or what will happen in the future, unless they are the oracle.
It’s true. Your ex wants you to win them back the right way. They just don’t believe you can.
These questions are a result of your mind trying to do an impossible task. A task, that your instinct has given your mind.
Imagine your mind is like a computer that will try to find a solution to whatever problem you give it. Now imagine your instincts tell your mind to do the following
“Find a way that 100% guarantees me that I will get my ex back. Make sure that I do not lose my ex at any cost. Figure out this way as soon as possible because my ex may move on. If you don’t, then it’s going to be very hard for me (and by extension YOU) to survive.”
Do you see the problem here?
Your anxiety and your instincts want your mind to find a way to change someone’s free will. And it doesn’t even have enough time to do so. On top of that, your instincts are threatening your survival.
No wonder your mind is working on overdrive.
These questions don’t push your ex away by themselves. But when your mind is working on overdrive, it is likely to make mistakes.
Most of the mistakes mentioned above are a result of bad judgement that comes with not thinking things through and panicking. In fact, a study published in The Journal of Neuroscience explains how anxiety can disrupt the decision making process.
If you are panicking, constantly anxious and obsessing over your breakup, you are very likely to make mistakes that push your ex away and make you even more anxious.
For example,
If your ex calls you, you might take it as a sign that they want to get back together and start talking about how you still love them.
If your ex tells you they still have feelings for you, you might feel the urge to drive to their house with flowers and chocolate thinking that this is the type of reconciliation story they show in the movies.
If your ex posts a picture on social media with someone of the opposite sex, you might assume that they are dating and start freaking out and make every mistake I mentioned above.
If you find out they liked a picture of someone on Instagram, your mind might conclude that they want to sleep with them. You may freak out, call them and act controlling or borderline crazy.
The best way to avoid making any misinterpretation is to just not take any action for a while. Not until your mind has calmed down and is not panicking hard.
It’s also advisable to not listen to your friends and family at this time. Even though they mean well, most people are not equipped to analyze a breakup and figure out the best course of action that will lead to getting your love back.
What If I’ve Already Made These Mistakes?
Chances are, you’ve already made at least one of these mistakes after the breakup. Don’t worry, even the wisest monks in the Himalayas and masters of psychology from Harvard usually end up making these mistakes after a breakup.
It’s just in the nature of human beings to try and hold on to something that is precious to them. So don’t beat yourself over it.
The most important thing for you to do right now is to realize that these mistakes will not help you get him back and stop doing them right away. Move on to the next step of the plan which is going to repair all the damage you’ve caused till now.
STEP 2 – Stop Contact with Your Ex. Give Yourself Some Time and Space and Give Your Ex What They Asked For. A Breakup.
If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you’d know that there is a thing called no contact rule.
It’s simple and very effective.
All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes
No Calling
No Texting
No Facebook Messaging
No Online Contact Of Any Kind (IM, Twitter, Whatsapp, Snapchat)
No “accidentally” bumping into him (you know what that means)
No hanging out with common friends in hopes of meeting your ex
No keeping tabs on them via friends.
WHY DO NO CONTACT?
For these three reasons
Reason To Stop Contacting Your Ex: Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you.
People have a common misconception that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget about you.
But in reality, if you don’t contact your ex, you will give him time to miss you more and the ywill be wondering all the time why you are not contacting them.
Remember all the mistakes in Part #1 of this guide. Every one of them made your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend think of you as a needy person. By not contacting them, you immediately become not needy in their mind.
Moreover, your ex asked you for a breakup. And unless you give them a breakup, they will never truly know what it feels like to lose you.
Reason To Stop Contacting Your Ex: You also need some space and time.
You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective.
The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest.
It could be that you are just missing your ex because you are used to being with them.
Before you try to get your ex back, you need to learn to enjoy your life without your ex. You need to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your ex.
You will eventually realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy.
Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.
Reason To Stop Contacting Your Ex: You must become confident before you can get him/her back.
You must become an attractive, happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life. You should make a lot of positive changes in your life.
When you meet your ex after the no contact period, you want them to be attracted to you. And the best way to do it is to start enjoying life and becoming an overall happy person.
Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever.
If you want to heal from the breakup, you must stop adding to the stress that is caused by staying in touch with your ex directly or indirectly. One study published in the Taylor and Francis Online Journal explains how stalking your ex on facebook can be a significant source of distress to individuals.
And as long as you are in distress, you won’t be able to grow or become a better version of yourself. Wouldn’t it make more sense to just stop contact with your ex, heal from the breakup and become more confident before you start talking to your ex again?
(If you’d like to read more about why you should do this, read this article.)
HOW LONG IS THE NO CONTACT PERIOD?
Basically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days.
However, in some cases, it could be anywhere between 2 weeks and 6 months.
YOUR EX DURING NO CONTACT PERIOD
At this point, you might start wondering how no contact is going to effect your ex and what you should do about it. This section covers most of the doubts you may have regarding no contact. If you still need more information, read this article.
Should I tell my ex that I am doing no contact?
Ideally no. You want them to wonder what happened to you and why you are not contacting them. You want to be on your ex’s mind as much as you can. And telling them you are not contacting for some time will defeat this purpose.
However, if your ex is currently calling you everyday or texting you everyday, then yes you should let them know that you don’t want them to contact you for a short period of time. Don’t give them any specifics. Just tell them to not contact you until you decide to contact them. Let them know you need some space and time right now.
Wouldn’t it be rude if I don’t contact my ex?
Wasn’t it rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging them to take you back? And yet, you’ll still do anything to be with them. Sometimes, rudeness is not as bad as you think it is.
Besides, you are doing no contact for your own mental peace and well-being. There is nothing rude about taking care of yourself. Remember, by doing no contact, you are setting clear boundaries and putting your own well-being over your ex. And there is nothing wrong with setting clear boundaries in a relationship, even if it’s with your ex.
Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?
In most cases, you should NOT respond to your ex’s text during no contact. (Read: How To Respond To a Text From Your Ex)
Should I answer my ex’s call during no contact?
No. You shouldn’t answer your ex’s call. The only exception to this is if you are close to ending your no contact and you are already feeling great about your life. If you think that talking to your ex will have you obsessing about them again, don’t answer their call.
What if my ex moves on during no contact?
What if my ex meets someone and get married during no contact?
What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?
Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T.
If you and your ex were in any type of serious relationship, then they will not be able to move on so quickly. In fact, no contact is only going to make them miss you more and remember the good things about you. You have to take a leap of faith over here. The alternative to no contact is being a creep and texting and stalking your ex all the time, which will probably lead to a restraining order against you. You really don’t have much of an option.
Can’t I make the no contact shorter? Like a week or a few days?
So, you want to give your ex a couple days break from your avalanche of texts and then bombard them again after a couple of days?
No.
It takes time for people to remove negative association after a breakup and start missing their ex.
You have to give it to them.
And more importantly, you have to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person.
Unless you make a positive change in yourself, your ex will not be able to convince themselves to get back together with you.
What if My ex and I have Children?
If you have children, then you must do limited contact. That means you only speak to your ex when necessary.
You only speak to them about your children or about the topics that are important.
You don’t speak about anything personal. If your ex asks you a personal question, you tell them something like,
“I am not ready to speak about my personal life with you at the moment. I hope you understand and keep the conversation only related to our child (or children) for the time being.”
What if my ex and I live together?
If you both live together, it’s going to be tough to do no contact and get some space. This is why I highly recommend you find a way to move out. At least for the time being.
Explain to your ex that living with them is hard for you right now and you would like to temporarily move out. Tell them you would decide about the living arrangements later when you are thinking clearly.
If it’s not possible to move out, then you should do limited contact. Only speak to your ex if it’s important and don’t talk about anything personal. Make a space for yourself in the house and only stay in that space.
My ex thought I didn’t pay them enough attention and I wasn’t committed enough. Wouldn’t no contact make them feel like I don’t care and make them want to move on?
That’s a huge concern for people who didn’t put enough effort in making the relationship work. But they want to put the effort after the breakup.
If you are reading this article, then that means you have already tried to convince them that things will be different this time. That you will put in more effort and will be committed. That you will care.
And it didn’t work.
The reason it didn’t work is because your ex thinks you are doing all of this because you are afraid of losing them. You are showing that you care because you are needy and desperate. And keeping in touch with them confirms that belief.
Your ex thinks that you will go back to your old ways if once you get them back.
And the best way to help them overcome this belief is to show them you are no longer needy and desperate by doing no contact.
You can let them know beforehand that you are doing no contact to heal and to think things through. That this does not mean you don’t care about them and you are moving on. That it just means that you are taking some space to figure out what your issues are and what you can do to overcome them.
This sincere move to introspect and figure out a solution to your issues will work wonders in trying to convince them after you’ve finished no contact.
What will my ex think if I don’t contact them for 30 or 60 days?
That’s a good question.
Actually, no, that’s not a good question.
In fact, it’s one of the question that your panicked mind is likely to ask.
Like I said earlier, we can never know what is going on inside another person’s head. Not unless we are mind readers.
But I can tell you what usually happens to an ex when their ex stops contacting them after a breakup.
You see, if you have been in constant touch after a breakup, your ex never really had to face the breakup. Sure, they made the decision to breakup with you and they probably think breaking up was the right decision.
But they never actually faced the breakup because you kept acting like they still have you.
A breakup means losing someone you love. And if they never really felt like they lost you, they never truly went through the breakup.
They never grieved, and they never felt that feeling of having a black hole from hell in the pit of your stomach.
There’s a good chance your ex will start facing grief when you start no contact. How they react to that grief is a whole different topic.
They might start contacting you every day.
They might get angry.
They might shut down and start ignoring you completely. (In majority of cases, this is only temporary. So, don’t worry. Ask your panicked mind to calm down)
They might start stalking you on social media or through common friends.
They might even decide to do no contact themselves and heal from the breakup.
The might contact you casually to see what you are upto and act like they are interested in you. In other words, they will throw you a bone. And if you grab it, they will know you are still their pet and they have all the power over you.
(Read more about signs during no contact rule here.)
Case Study: No Contact made her ex crazy for her. But not in a good way.
STEP 3 – During No Contact, Strive to Become a Person You Can Be Proud Of. Someone Your Ex Won’t Be Able To Resist.
This is the part where most people screw up. No contact will be of no use unless you try to make a positive change in your life during this time.
If you want to stay at home and just be miserable for the next one month, things are not going to change even after no contact period.
Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving and analyzing your relationship.
But you must balance it out with things that bring you joy. You must go out and enjoy life. You must figure out what makes you happy and do it. You must learn to be happy without your ex.
You must get your individuality back before you can get your ex back.
Here’s how you can do that.
POSITIVE CHANGES IN YOUR APPEARANCE
Making a positive change in your physical appearance is going to give you a fresh look. You are going to feel new and you are going to feel better.
And when your ex sees you after the no contact period, they are going to see a new you.
Here are a few things you can do.
Get a haircut. Just go to a hairstylists and find out what is in fashion these days.
Get your teeth cleaned. A beautiful smile is very attractive.
Get in the best shape of your life. Go to the gym and sweat it out. This is also great for your mental health as working out releases endorphins which make you happy.
Get new clothes. They will definitely make you feel better about yourself.
Whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic right now. You don’t want to make any physical changes right now that you might regret for the rest of your life (like getting a tattoo of a broken heart).
POSITIVE CHANGES IN YOUR MENTALITY
Being a happy and confident person is probably the most important thing when it comes to getting your ex back.
You need to realize that happiness and confidence is something that you can get by working on yourself.
Here are a few ideas that will help you gain more confidence and become a happier person.
Instead of sitting at home eating ice cream and watching TV, go out and do something to make yourself feel better.
Give yourself some time to grieve. I know how hard it is to be happy after a breakup. I remember I was a complete mess for at least two weeks. I didn’t sleep properly, didn’t eat properly, and I was just thinking about my ex all day. In a way, this period is necessary for you. You give yourself some time to grieve every day. If you want to feel sad and sorry for yourself, go ahead and do it. But make sure you also do something to make yourself feel good about yourself.
Write in a journal. Write your thoughts and your feelings down. Writing is therapeutic and it’s probably going to help you release all those emotions that have been building up inside. Studies have shown that expressive writing can help a lot when it comes to regaining your composure during stressful times.
Go out with friends. Spend time with your loved ones. Your friends and family are the people who are always there for you and who always love to spend time with you. Go out and have a good time with them.
Do some meditation. Be aware of yourself. Know your weaknesses and strengths. Be proud of yourself. Accept yourself for who you are. That’s what confidence is all about. Neediness (which is very unattractive) comes from doubts within yourself. Whereas confidence comes from awareness and accepting yourself.
Go out on a date. This is absolutely essential and if you are reading this, then I will recommend that you definitely go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex. It’s imperative for you to get some perspective right now and ,in my opinion, meeting new people is the best way to do it.
POSITIVE CHANGES IN YOUR BEHAVIOR AND HABITS
In a lot of cases, it’s your habits or behavior that pushed your ex to the point of breakup. If you suffer from issues that you believe might have led to the breakup, this is the time to work on them. Some examples of these issues are.
Controlling Nature
Extreme Jealousy
Insecurity
Lack of Passion
Low Self-Esteem
Lack of Personal Hygiene
Lack of Motivation in Life
Lack of Communication Skills
Lack of Social Skills
Inability to Trust
Inability to Commit
If you think any of these things resonate with you, it’s time to start working on them. If you don’t know how to work on these issues, speak to a counselor or therapist. If you are unsure if therapy is for you, read this article on healthline about the benefits of talk therapy.
I also talk about fixing these issues in my email series that you can subscribe to by taking this quiz.
ANALYZING YOUR RELATIONSHIP
You have to ask yourself this question, why do you want to get back with your ex? If you answered something like
I love my ex.
I can’t live without my ex.
I am miserable without my ex.
He/She was the only one for me.
I can’t imagine a life without my ex.
Then you are still suffering from post-breakup denial and bargaining. Denial and bargaining are two of the many stages of grief after a breakup.
It’s extremely common for people to want to get their ex back after a breakup.
However, it’s not always the right choice.
For example, even if your relationship with your ex was abusive, you might want to rekindle it just because you are missing them.
Our mind often confuses the act of missing someone with “love”. It’s normal to miss your ex after you’ve been with them for a long time.
But it doesn’t necessarily mean you still love them.
Look at it like this, every relationship has problems, fights, and disagreements. But if you two broke up, then there was something very wrong with your relationship.
You need to analyze what went wrong and realize whether or not it’s a good idea to get back together.
Are you sure your ex didn’t have any cons?
If you listen to your heart, all you will hear is that you love your ex and you want them back. Instead, try to think with your mind. Be logical.
Analyze the pros and cons of your relationship.
Analyze the pros and cons of your ex.
Analyze what your goals in life are and whether or not a relationship with your ex aligns with those goals.(Read: Should You Get Your Ex Back?)
Remember, your ex will not make you happy, only you can make yourself happy.
And the only way you can do it is by understanding yourself, loving yourself, appreciating what you have, understanding your purpose in life and pursuing it.
Do you really think you can have a happy and long lasting relationship with your ex?
Do you really think that the reason you broke up is no big deal?
You are making a huge decision right now.
So you better make sure that it is the right one. You have 30 days to do it, so don’t rush into it.
Take your time. Relax and do things that make you feel better. When you start being happy in life without your ex, you will realize whether or not getting your ex back is the right decision.
And if you are sure it’s the right decision, then you must figure how to fix whatever was broken in your relationship.
FIGURE OUT WHAT WAS BROKEN AND HOW TO FIX IT
Almost every success story I have come across has one thing in common. They all understood exactly what went wrong in the relationship and exactly how to fix it.
There are so many reasons for a relationship can fail that it’s impossible to list them all over here. Moreover, every situation is unique and the solution to each situation is also unique.
But in most cases, the reason for breakup can be boiled down to the loss of one of the following.
Attraction
Connection
Or Trust
For example,
You fought too much? You had communication problems that lead to loss of connection.
You were controlling and insecure? You had self-esteem issues that led to loss of attraction.
Your ex didn’t want to commit? He didn’t feel a strong enough connection with you.
You cheated, or your ex cheated? Your relationship ended because the trust was broken.
Your relationship was stressful? You didn’t spend enough quality time together that led to loss of attraction.
Your relationship got monotonous? You lost attraction and sexual connection.
You must figure out the real reason for the breakup. Not just what they said to you while breaking up with you. Try to figure out what happened in the relationship that pushed them to the point of breaking up with you.
There is a good chance that your ex loved you deeply and breaking up with you was a hard decision for them as well.
Your ex boyfriend is equally sad and miserable because of this breakup
If you truly love them, you owe it to them and yourself to figure out the root cause of the breakup and how to fix it.
If you don’t know how to fix what was broken, you will never be able to get them back. And even if you do manage to get them back, you will break up again because of the same reasons.
“Without the self-reflection and growth by each, we can predict that couples who reconcile will return to old patterns after a honeymoon period, and will ultimately break up again, permanently.” Dr. Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., LMFT told Ex Back Permanently.
And the second time around, it’s going to be even more painful. For both of you.
It’s important you do this if you want to get your ex lover back permanently. When you are sure that you can fix whatever was broken in your relationship, move on to the next step, which is contacting your ex.
Analyzing the breakup to figure out what went wrong can also help tremendously in healing from the breakup and emotional recovery. (According to a research by Grace M. Larson, PhD and David Sbarra PhD, published on Sagepub.)
Case Study: He Came Back, But it Was No Happy Ending
STEP 4 – Contact Your Ex at the Right Time with The Right Message to Reset Your Image and Make Them Attracted to You Again
Remember when your ex left you? They thought of you as a needy, clingy and desperate person with little to no self-respect.
After not being in contact with you for a while, they must be wondering what the heck happened to you.
They will slowly start to forget that image of yours (the needy desperate one) and start remembering the things they liked about you.
They will start remembering the things that they found attractive in you.
And that’s when you contact them, you talk to them and then meet them. Just as they lay eyes on you, BOOM.
That’s the new and improved you.
YOU version 2.0.
They can’t help but wonder what brought so much positive change in you.
“You look amazing. You smell amazing. You look like you are doing great in your life. You look like you’ve been working out. You look happy. You look confident, sexy, fun and attractive. You look like a catch. Why did I break up with you again?” – Your Ex
For that to happen, you need two things.
You should actually bring a positive change in your life and become a confident, happy and attractive person.
You should contact your ex and meet them somewhere.
If you have been following this guide till now, then you know how to go about the first point. So, let’s get straight to the second point.
WHEN IS THE RIGHT TIME TO CONTACT MY EX?
The right time to contact your ex is when you are ready. It’s not so much about when they will miss you most, but about when you are ready to handle it without becoming needy and desperate again.
Believe me, a lot of guys and girls screw up because they contact their ex before they are ready. It usually starts fine because their ex misses them due to no contact, but they soon go back to being cold when they figure out you have been faking. And they can always tell if you are faking.
So before you contact your ex, here is a checklist of things you need to make sure you’ve done.
You followed the no contact rule for at least two weeks. (Read about The No Contact Rule here.)
You are no longer a mess as you were after the breakup.
You have made a few positive changes in your life.
You are absolutely sure that getting back with your ex is a good decision. (Find Out here.)
You have gone on at least one date during no contact.
You have accepted the breakup and you are OK with the fact that you may never get your ex back and this might never work for you .
You have accepted the fact that even if you don’t get your ex back, you will be fine since there are endless opportunities in the world to find love and happiness.(Read more about having the right mindset after no contact is over)
WHAT IS THE RIGHT WAY TO CONTACT YOUR EX?
The best way to contact your ex after no contact is to send them a text, an email or a hand written letter.
Wouldn’t it be nice to receive a hand written letter in the mail?
The medium which you use to contact your ex does not matter that much. What matters is the content of this message. I call this the Elephant in The Room Message because you should acknowledge the Elephant in the room (that you both broke up and whatever happened after) and reset your image in the eyes of your ex.
This message has three purposes.
To let your ex know that you have accepted the breakup. And you think that it’s for the best.
You are letting them know that you are no longer the needy desperate person who was refusing to accept the breakup.
To apologize for any of your inappropriate behavior after the breakup.
You want to make sure that everything from the past is forgiven and forgotten.
To let them know of something exciting that is happening in your life. Don’t reveal too much here. Just tell them something good is happening in your life.
You’d love to talk about it, but not now. Because you both need some space and time.
You want to give them something to chew on.
They will be thinking about what’s happening in your life and will want to call or text you to talk about it. You are using curiosity to get your ex contact you.
Of course, something must be happening in your life. That’s why creating a positive change in your life is absolutely important before contacting your ex.
If you want a sample message written for you, you can download my free report “5 Elephant in the room texts” by clicking here.
Case Study 5: She left him for her ex. But he used the right message at the right time and got her back.
THE TEXT MESSAGES
Text messages should ideally be used after sending the hand written letter to build up attraction. You can even skip the hand written letter and move on directly to text messages.
You know your situation and your ex better than anyone, so it’s your decision whether or not you want to use just text messages, just the letter, or both.
In most cases, I highly recommend a letter or an elephant in the room text before trying to speak to your ex casually. An effective first contact letter can really help change the way your ex thinks about you.
Text messages are great for building attraction with your ex. They are short, they are personal and you can be sure your ex will read your texts.
If used correctly, you can condition your ex to light up in excitement whenever they see a message from you. (Read this more detailed article on getting your ex back with text messages.)
It doesn’t matter where they are, your text will reach them and they will be excited to get a text from you.
The key to using text messages is to have fun. I don’t usually recommend texting for serious conversations.
But if you don’t have an option, make sure you do it by being honest without being needy. (I talk more about this in my texting article)
Here are three basic rules for texting your ex.
Texting Rule: Never send them an empty message.
An empty message is something that doesn’t say anything and doesn’t give your ex anything to talk about. For example
“Hey”
“Hey, How are you?”
“I miss you”
“:)”
Texting Rule: Never ever talk about your feelings in a needy way and about getting back together.
“I love you”
“I miss you”
“I want you back in my life”
“I am miserable without you”
Texting Rule: Never argue or say something negative over text.
“If you had just shown a little more effort, we could have been great together.”
“Your child misses you. You are terrible father to leave him like that.”
Something happened in your life that reminded you of them.
“Hey, I just watched the new season of Arrested Development. It reminded me of you. I actually had a smile on my face. :)”
“Hey, I just read the new Harry Potter book. I am so glad you never told me the ending. Thanks :)”
Remind them of good moments you had together.
“Hey, I was just thinking about the time we went skydiving together. Man, that was exciting. I am glad we did that. “
“Hey, remember the little restaurant where we had our first anniversary date? I just crossed it and it looks like they are closing down. It’s a shame because we had such a great time that day.”
Let them know you are having fun with your life and meeting new people.
“Hey, I just saw a romantic movie with a friend. The ending reminded me of you.“
“Hey, I am going to Hawaii for the weekend with a friend. Do you remember the name of the hotel we stayed in when we went last year?”
Now there are tons of other things you can do with texts. But the key point remains the same. Be subtle. Be positive. Be fun.
Right now, you just want to go from the creepy ex to a fun text buddy.
Of course, you will be moving things forward slowly. You want to rebuild attraction and connection with them via text messages before you move meet them in person.
After you’ve spend enough time texting them and you feel an attraction then you should go ahead and ask them out.
(Read more about texting your ex and building attraction via text.)
ASKING YOUR EX OUT
Do not call it a date.
I repeat.
Do not call it a date.
If you do, your ex will put their defenses up faster than Garfield finds Lasagna. You don’t want them thinking that you are looking to get back together.
At least not now.
You want them to go out with you as a friend. And then you can build up attraction while you are with them.
If you’ve done your homework correctly, you will be oozing confidence and attractiveness out of every inch of your body.
And this works doubly as effective on your ex than any other person.
Why?
Because they were already attractive to you at one point in time. And you are not a stranger to them. You are someone familiar who looks very attractive.
The best way to ask them out is to give them a call.
It’s possible they might require a slight push. A simple “come on, it’ll be fun.” Or “Hey, it’s just coffee. What’s the harm?” should be sufficient.
However, don’t go overboard in pushing them.
Don’t say something like.
”Come on. Just go out with me once. Please. Pretty please.”
Or
“You broke up with me and broke my heart. The least you can do is go out with me one time.”
Remember, your ex doesn’t owe you anything. You have to treat them like an acquaintance you want to get close with.
Once they’ve agreed to meeting you, there’s a good chance getting back together is at the back of their mind. But it’s not over yet.
Case Study: An ex who refuses to meet but keeps stringing you along
Step 5 – Meetup with Your Ex to Build Attraction, Connection and Trust. Talk About Getting Back Together When the Time is Right.
When you meet your ex, your ex will be a little bit skeptical. Even though you’ve built enough attraction and connection via phone calls and text messages, they will still wonder if it’s all just a façade and if you really have changed. They will wonder if you are still needy and desperate. And when they meet you, their bullshit radar will be turned on the highest settings. They will judge everything you say or do. They might even say things just to text your reaction. To make sure you don’t screw it up, here are a few pointers. DO YOUR HOME WORK AND BE PREPARED FOR THE WORST When you meet your ex, you should truly be prepared to lose them. If you still have neediness and desperation inside you, your ex will sniff it from a mile away. So, if you think you are still needy, then cancel or postpone the meeting. Here’s a test to check if you are ready to meet them. Only take this test after you’ve finished no contact and are planning on meeting your ex. You need to click on it to expand it because I don’t want you to take this test if you are just starting out with this plan. When you have finished no contact, come back to this page and take this test. Test If You Are Ready To Meet Your Ex BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR SH*T TESTS
There’s a good chance your ex will say or do things to see if you are still needy or desperate. They will try to see if what you truly have changed or everything you have been saying and doing just a charade to get them back. They might bring up something from the past and/or they may say something that they know will push your buttons. For example, suppose you had an issue with jealousy and being controlling. They might casually bring up the fact that they went on a date just to see how you react. If you are still controlling, you will react and even if you don’t say anything, your face might give you away. It’s important that you stay calm no matter what happens. If you become angry or desperate, it will make them think that you have not changed at all and they will probably start ignoring you again after the breakup. Note that being calm is not the same as being a doormat. If something is important to you, stand up for it. Remember, boundaries are important. Your own well-being and happiness is more important than getting your ex back. If it’s a serious issue about the relationship or the breakup, discuss it. But do so without getting angry or needy. It will help immensely if your communication skills are on point before you meet your ex. I talk about them in this article on what to do after no contact. Case Study: Mindy wasn’t ready to meet her ex and it showed. DON’T TALK ABOUT GETTING BACK TOGETHER YET Ideally, you want it to be your ex’s idea to get back together. So for your first date, just focus on having a good time with them. If the topic of getting back together comes up, just listen to what they have to say. If they ask your opinion, just say that you still have feelings for them but you are not sure if getting back is the right decision. That you both should take things slow. Don’t jump at the first chance of getting your ex back. Be skeptical about getting back together. They broke your heart once, what will stop them from doing it again? Have they changed and become a better person as well? If you both get back together, will the same issues arise again?
HAVE AN EQUAL RELATIONSHIP
You don’t want your ex to start thinking that you are chasing them. This is why you must have an equal relationship with them. You want them to contact you as much as you contact them. You want them to try to meet up as much as you are trying to meet up. This goes in line with being skeptical as I mentioned previously. You don’t want to get back together yet. You want to see how things are going with your ex. If your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend is not really interested in making a relationship with you work, you are better off without him/her. You have tried your best and showed them the best version of you. If they still think you are not worth their time, you must start thinking about moving on.
HAVE BOUNDARIES AND STAY OUT OF THE FRIEND-ZONE
One of the concerns most people have at this stage is if their ex will put them in the friendzone. To avoid that, you just need to setup a few boundaries and have an equal relationship with them.
You are their friend, but you are also an ex lover.
You should be casual, but you also need a sexual chemistry.
You should respectful, but you should also flirt.
In most cases, your ex will be very attracted to you if you’ve followed everything in this article. But if you still feel they are trying to put you in the friend-zone, follow the three principles.
Build up sexual chemistry but don’t sleep with them.
Don’t let them talk about other love interest. If they want your advice on their dating life (something that most people do with their friends) tell them that you are their friend but you don’t want to know or speak about who they are dating or having sex with. That you still have feelings for them and they need to respect your boundaries.
Be ready to walk away if they don’t respect your boundaries. Don’t act needy or desperate, just cut contact. There is a very good chance they will respect you more for it and apologize later if you stick to your words.